You come up to me and say, “There’s a man looking for you” I know there is something I should do. I think about the fact that it has happened so many times now, that I should have learnt my lesson. I know that I do what is best, but still I have a feeling that there is something else I should do. I keep on waiting. Then he started to call me. He always calls at night, from a phone booth. He says that he has just got off from work. After a while his phone card is empty, and he has to call me back with a new one. When he calls, I pick up the phone, but the thing is that he never stops talking, asking his questions. He describes himself, says that he has curly hair. Then he asks me what I think of him. “Nice” I say. He thinks that I am calm, emotional, and kind. He says that people have to be consistent to be reliable, that’s why some people make it. We have to be consistent to make society work. The one thing I tried to do was to anchor outside myself. I had no opinion, no thoughts. I just tried to fix my thoughts somewhere outside myself. It was a matter of keeping enough distance, so that what he said wouldn’t pass through me. He keeps on calling, but I can’t get mad at him. He says that he thinks that I seem cute and sweet and he wants me to send him a picture of me. Every time we talk I tell him that I don’t want him to call again, that there is no use. He was desperate, he was. A loser that starts to panic. He was passing through and came to see me, but to me it seemed like an invasion. Without really wanting to, I tried to make him leave. We went to a café together. I was embarrassed for the whole situation and just wanted to leave. He started talking about a revelation about us living together. I was disgusted when he tried to touch my hands and told me to give myself away to the Lord. We were loud. When I finally get up from the table and give him the finger, the man from the table next to us follows me and I know he’s heard us. When he called again I panicked because he never stopped asking his questions that he seemed to have prepared. He emphasized the fact that he wanted to live for God and that there are no grey areas. Then he accused me of living in a grey area. “There are only sin, the black, or life, the white. Do you despise the white? Why don’t you live totally in sin if you don’t live a pure lift?” I told him I thought that he was insensitive and unkind. He said that he liked frankness, that he didn’t think that one should have any secrets. He said that I was quite mysterious and calm but that it was only a mask. When I wanted to end the conversation he said that I couldn’t put him off just like that. We continued the conversation and I told him that I didn’t want anything more to do with him, nothing whatsoever. When I said “Goodbye”, he said, “God bless you. Maybe we are no good for each other.” “No, exactly” I answer. “ I guess we are no good for each other”. “Remember, that you should not have a partner that you are opposed to. Goodbye.” He hung up before I had the time to say goodbye. The memory of how I used to think is always there. Maybe not that clear but like a perception of a something self- evident and my memory is a part of my speech for the defence. Anyway, everything is just a way to keep the thoughts pure and not to say words that are only in defence. I hardly had time to sit down and think about what actually had been said, before he called again. “I apologize for calling you again. Not that I think it can change the situation, and I agree that what happened is for the best. I just think that one has to make a choice, because I know what happens if you live in sin. A friend of mine has had a revelation and we cannot even imagine all the terrible things. It is beyond our imagination. So the best thing is to think about it when you are alive, because it is worth it”. “You mean how it is going to be in hell?” “Yes, what will happen if you commit a sin. But you have found a way to live. That’s good”. I couldn’t help laughing. “ That’s fine. God bless you and good luck”, he said and started to laugh as well. “ Yes, the same to you. Good luck with your life”, I said. There are different ways to reduce a disaster. I’m the one in charge of the defence systems and the precautions. But I don’t always predict the accidents in time to prevent ruptures inside the system. I am always on duty, I am always on my guard. I can feel guilty about the fact that I don’t feel anything. “You should feel more,” they tell me. But it is as if my thoughts just drift around among my memories. It is as if each sentence, each glance or all the glances that drift away, pass right through me. Everything that happens in the room is catalysed through me. I don’t know if is has happened to you: the feeling to be without skin, without protection. Or else, it’s just that I am not present enough to get rid of the things that actually don’t matter to me. It was the third time in an hour that he called and it was past one AM. He said that he had a problem with handling people. Then he wondered if I could read his mind when I said that he had no sense of reality. The fourth time that he called, I pulled the plug. The night after he called before I was asleep. I screamed that he should respect the fact that I didn’t want anything more to do him. He screamed that I had to take a stand against sin if I wasn’t to burn in the eternal fire. He called again the same night and I picked up the phone. He told me that he had once been tempted by a woman, but resisted, otherwise he would have been lost. Then he accused me to live in a blasphemous way. I threatened to call the police but he didn’t listen. “Don’t you have a longing to purify yourself into transparency? , he asked. No guilt. Imagine giving your life to someone else, just like Jesus gave his life, died for our innocence. He is the one who purge us from sin.” I believe that a man I have met several times in the street, is possessed by a demon. There is something about me running into him everywhere, in stores and lately in a restaurant. When I realise what I am thinking, I get scared. Because if I think that he is possessed by a demon, this could mean a lot of other things, for example that hell and the devil exist and in that case God and Jesus exist as well. I tried to leave but it was impossible. You don’t think that because you’re not allowed to think that thought. Next night, he called again. This time not that late, about 11 PM. He wanted to apologize and wanted us to be friends. “OK” I said. “But then we hang up and don’t ever talk to each other again”. “I just want to ask you something,” he continued. “I don’t want to talk to you anymore”. “Why do you get mad? Can you answer that?” “I just don’t want to have anything more to do with you”. I hung up. Sat down and waited for him to call again. I ignored four signals before I picked up the phone. Didn’t know what I had intended to say. “What makes you so mad? I just want to tell you something. Improve, or something bad will happen”. I hung up without saying anything. Then I pulled the plug. I do not always agree with others. I am not a yes-sayer. In fact I seldom agree but I kind of join into the conversation. It is always hard to be forced to have an opinion but I try to tell myself that it’s OK to be a turncoat. Sometimes I get stuck in my thoughts about my opinion. I just can’t decide what’s right or wrong. So in the end I have no opinion at all. But I think that my greatest problem is that people have an opinion about me and I can get so fed up with all the honesty. I just kind of want to be left alone. I scare some people. Of course they don’t say so, but I can still see it. They think that I will reveal their thoughts. The next day he called twice but hung up when I said my name. Then I pulled the plug. Now I have bought directory assistance. When he calls, it says “10”. When I enter a room I can feel what everybody is thinking. When I look at somebody I just feel it. I have tried not to, but it is tempting to say things to have it confirmed. People easily trust me because I am one step ahead of them, for example I answer their questions before they have even asked them. I quickly perceive their interests and their qualities, so it is easy for me to make them like me. When I fall in love, it is a problem. As I see both good and bad qualities about them, long before they even get a chance to fall in love with me, I am always the one to fall in love first and scare the other person away. I hate goodbyes. It is so difficult to know when it is over and it takes a while to know the difference. “Allow me to leave”, spins round and round in my head. Just don’t know where to go. <<